Update / “DM-lite?”

Life seems determined to thwart my very best attempts to sit down and think and blog.  I’ve been “up to my a** in alligators” as my momma likes to say.  I could give you the list of everything that’s gone wrong, but it’s mundane and really really long and not very gay.  And of course it’s all sort of silly in light of the REAL suffering going on all over the world.  But I’m only capable of so much perspective, and right now dealing with chronic joint pain (knees and ankles and wrists and hands) and an endless parade of new-homeowner woes has been grating on me a bit.  And yes, it’s a real blessing that we own a home, and ours is a beautiful one, and yes I need to be more mindful of that and less ungrateful.  But sometimes I hanker a little for our old apartment, with the maintenance guy to keep everything barely functioning and no yard to resurrect (or fancy expensive lawn mower to keep having issues), except that there would be absolutely no place to put Baby DM.

The marriage and the baby feel pretty much like the only two things that are going right nowadays, and I suppose if you can only have two things go right, those are good ones.  Mr. DM and I have recovered from our newborn-induced squabblefest, and now that the baby sleeps through the night more often than not we’re finally quasi-consistently getting both sleep and, um, quality time together, the first being a bit of a prereq for the second, which has made ALL the difference in the world. Our third anniversary was our most joyful one yet.

Baby DM is very healthy, very happy overall, and she’s gone from cute to drop dead gorgeous, turning heads wherever she goes.  She’s very curious, wants to look at everything, wants to touch everything, wants to put everything in her mouth, wants to meet everybody.  The girl who two months ago couldn’t do anything besides swat at stuffed animals now picks up her toys and turns them around in her hands, examining them carefully, looking for the best part to chew on.  Her great-grandparents gave her an Elmo “cellphone” which makes terrible noises which she is absolutely in love with.  They also introduced her to television while we were all on vacation together, which of course she loved, much to Mr. DM’s and my chagrin.

Her talking hasn’t evolved too much.  She makes a lot of noise, but it’s basically just laughter and merry yodeling.  She can roll over from back to belly but gets stuck there and eventually gets frustrated and starts to squawk.  She also seems to have to developed some secret method of getting around–I have never actually witnessed her moving in any way besides the half-roll, which obviously doesn’t get her very far, but today when she was playing on this big blanket I have spread out for her and my back was momentarily turned, she somehow got mobile.  I turned around to find her completely off the blanket, licking one of my flip-flops.  (UGH!)  I felt like the absolute worst mother ever, but she seems okay, and I have learned my lesson.

On to the matter at hand….

So, it’s become painfully apparent that my old style of blogging doesn’t fit so well with my new style of living.  It’s not so much that I don’t have any time at all–it’s just that what time I do have generally comes in 15 minute segments.  (Baby DM has little to no interest in napping.)  And really, it takes me almost that long just to find my place in a typical DM draft and reacquaint myself with what I’ve been saying, which leaves zero time for actually writing or editing or thinking.  And yet I really do want to blog somehow.

So I’m not quite sure what to do about this.  Maybe I could do “littler” posts–both in the sense of lower word count (and all the people said, “Hallelujah!”) as well as in the sense of being less ambitious–less premeditated, more random, shallower, maybe more personal and less analytical.  I think I just need to lighten up a little.  I’d like to finish up some of the many dozens of drafts I have virtually piled all over, but I think they’re all a bit too complicated for my brain, my schedule, and my surplus energy level right now.  Maybe I should just put up the chunks I have or something.   We’ll see.  I never wanted to sacrifice quality for quantity, but this is getting ridiculous.  I figure I should just blog really badly (but more frequently) for a while, and hopefully get back into the swing of things eventually.  So consider yourselves forewarned.

Anyway, I know metablogging is really annoying, and that it’s almost all I’ve put out lately.  Sorry about that.  Just wanted to let everybody know what was up…that I’m still here, that I still care about blogging and the issues.  I just have to figure out how to make it happen.

19 Responses to Update / “DM-lite?”

  1. The Sheepcat says:

    Hey, whenever, DM. And however. You’ve got your priorities, um, straight. We readers will just have to wait. When you get a chance, I’m eager to read what you do post.

  2. Jay says:

    Hey now, are you equating less ambitious, less premeditated, more random, shallower, more personal and less analytical blogging to bad blogging? Because I resemble that statement.

    I’m just joking. Do what you need to do. I can’t imagine you writing anything poorly, and like the Sheepcat said, we all know that you have more important things going on.
    :)

  3. Sheepcat, thanks. Jay, no, that’s not what I meant, though I know you’re just joking. I think blogging is better when it’s lighter and more random. It’s just that I don’t do that sort of thing well at all. I’m not pithy enough, not focused enough to get anything interesting said quickly. In my long rambling treatises, I think I usually have half a shot at making at least a couple of good points. But thanks as always for your compliments.

  4. Laura says:

    Please keep writing, even little posts! I’ve been reading your blog since last January (of course, at that point it was mostly back issues… but I read them all…) and it got me through a massive “sexual identity” crisis – you don’t know me at all but I feel like you walked me through a lot of pain and confusion at a really low point in my life… I don’t want to lose this voice in my head! It’s a very helpful voice. Little posts are just as lovely.

  5. Laura,

    Wow…I’m glad you found something useful. I’m a little shocked, but thanks for your encouraging words. I will try to keep it coming. :)

  6. Just write when you can. The meta-blogging isn’t especially annoying. I just wish you didn’t feel so guilty (if that’s what it is) about what you’re not able to do. You are appreciated. Post when/ what you can.

  7. sonia says:

    Hey DM, I’ve been enjoying immensely these updates since July about you, Mr. DM, and Baby DM. Such is especially true during a period in my work when we are still flying the Shuttle yet needing to go all-out developing the next launch system, which is perhaps not unlike (at least in a superficial way) the rhythm of priorities constantly juggled by new parents. My closest coworker has little ones I am enjoying watching grow, and it is not uncommon for me to enter that rhythm a bit by running an errand for them so (after they’ve all gotten home) we can “telecommute” on some late-night deadline.

    So, these are essential rhythms and marvelous passages of life, and for those reasons and more, I am looking forward to hearing of more about Baby DM’s exploits. May your home facilities be well behaved, and may your little bundle of joy continue to delight everyone around her with her multi-sensory :) explorations of the world.

  8. Jay says:

    Laura: You know what’s funny? We basically have the exact same story. DM’s archives were kind of what lit the fuse that got me started down the road of serious thinking about my faith (and she also helped me through a “sexual identity” crisis). Funny how that happens, huh?

    DM: You shouldn’t be shocked. Your archives have worked wonders in people’s lives (well, Christ has worked wonders through them). Keep up the good work, as best you can, and just be yourself at it. I think that’s all any of us can do.

  9. Karen K says:

    DM–Girl, I would love to see those “chunks” plastered on your blog. Who cares how it comes out. Of course, I know that is easier said than done because I am like you–I want to really think through. But, I think you would probably come across better than you think. And, quite frankly, its your voice we want to hear no matter how it comes out. I’d love to see those drafts. Just throw them out there . . .

    PS–Glad you are getting more sleep these days and other recreational activity. And, hope to meet that adorable girl of yours one of these days.

  10. wendy says:

    sweet to read the update DM. enjoy it while her mobility is slight – that is about to change and quick – and then those 15min. intervals you have will be like 30 sec. intervals – but it is all FUN :)

    ditto to Karen K. – chunks are good – and grace is even better

    receiving it can be tough – but in the receiving is life

  11. P says:

    DM – I feel compelled to add to the chorus, here. I found your blog sometime early this year and have gone through everything and find it to be both entertaining and uplifting. Its your ministry.

    Your blog is one of the few out there I would pay to read, so I do hope you are able to successfully juggle writing with taking flip-flops out of your baby’s mouth.

  12. Saul says:

    Yep, looking forward to your next sub-standard post…!

  13. NNR says:

    Ehem.

    Tap tap tap. This thing on?

  14. Mary says:

    Ah – just keep it coming. I do enjoy your writing.

  15. Suzanne says:

    You have official been memed. Having just been memed myself I assume that it’s a verb. Anyway, if you feel like playing along then simply follow this link so that your readers can learn six more things about you.

  16. sonia says:

    I miss hearing from you! Please write soon, even if briefly.

  17. The Muser says:

    Hmmm…I really, really like you and your writing. I think we probably disagree on many of the big things when it comes to faith, but I think we probably have more in common than not…I probably have even more trouble than you figuring out what to label myself so now I stick with the long and laborious title of “bi-woman-married-to-a-man-never-been-with-a-woman-who-probably-skews-toward-lesbian-and-is-coming-to-accept-her-lesbian-desires-as-good-and-God-given.” I used to be “ex-gay” until I realized that I was part of that stat in the Stanton/Yarhouse study whose time in ex-gay therapy actually made the MORE gay! I came in being mostly attracted to guys but freaked out by the occasional really strong attraction to women and left with the occasional strong attraction to a guy while being mostly attracted to women. I did marry a man and have never been with a woman bcs my views on sexuality, faith, and the Bible didn’t chage until after I was married and now I certainly have no desire to cheat on my husband. So I don’t view lesbian sex as a sin but I still don’t get to have it! I have been on a journey to heal from my awful (beyond, beyond awful) experience in the ex-gay world, now advocate for gay rights, and have been trying to understand how to accept and affirm my lesbian attractions rather than squelch them even as I stay faithful to my husband (I guess treating my lesbian attractions much as I treat my attractions to the odd guy I find attractive–normal, healthy, beautiful, God-given, and something I’m not going to act on, not bcs they are wrong in and of themselves but bcs I’m committed to a monogamous relationship). Anyway, I really appreciate your blog and your writing. I have a three year old girl and am doing the grad school thing, so I like reading your experiences there as well. Hope you write more soon! Oh, and one thought I had when reading about the Stanton/Yarhouse study: it really seems to me that bcs sexuality is pretty fluid that if you got a group of heterosexuals together and they sincerely tried to change their orientation you’d see about the same stats on heteros who bcm more gay as you do the other way around…I have qualms about those sorts of changes being called “healing” (unless you’re talking about someone who, for example, is afraid of sex due to a rape, etc.) so much as fluidity that can and should be expected. I think there are very, very few of us who are purely straight or gay. One of my seemingly straight female friends, for example, had never, never even once been attracted to a woman but then totally unexpectedly fell in love with another woman. The two of them have been together almost 17 years now I think, with one partner as pretty purely lesbian and the other as almost entirely straight except for her ongoing attraction to her lesbian mate. I mean, sexuality is so complex–and I think you can see the same movement from straight to gay that you can from gay to straight if you look closely and ask people about their fantasy lives, etc. Be interested to know what you think!

  18. The Muser says:

    P.S., as a mom who blogs I gotta say the “shitty first draft” mentality is great (from Anne Lammott’s _Bird by Bird_). I almost never edit–there’s just not time. You just get it out and figure some day you’ll go back and edit and write a book! :)

  19. Hi The Muser,

    I thought the whole point of Lamott’s “shitty first drafts” was that nobody else ever had to see them! :) But I know what you mean…there just is not time to do this stuff right.

    About your first comment, yeah I’d say we have more in common than not. And I agree with you about fluidity in particular. I’ve been wondering for a long time if what we see in ex-gay “success stories” is simply random fluidity occurring. Or perhaps random fluidity combined with some people’s natural flexibility in the area of sexuality.

    And I think your experience of turning “gayer” isn’t that unusual. I’m not sure if I would say that I got gayer, as I didn’t have any noticeable heterosexual proclivities when I started my ex-gay journey. But I think my homosexual desires definitely got more intense and troubling to me during that journey, I think in part because I was focusing on them so much trying to deconstruct them and analyze them and heal them. I felt so much better after leaving that stuff.

    Anyhow, thanks for commenting and sharing and for the encouragement.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: