I was critical of the ex-gay thing before I reluctantly became a part of it, before the combination of an unplanned conversion to evangelical Christianity and a raging dyke libido drove me to it. I had mixed feelings about taking up an ex-gay path, but as I didn’t exactly take to celibacy like a duck to water, I needed some support. I didn’t expect to become attracted to men, I didn’t even really want to become attracted to men. It’s just that my newfound convictions wouldn’t let me be with women. So either I needed to figure out how to live happily without sex or romance, or I needed to figure out how to want guys. Or at least how to want to want them. Or at least how to want to want to want…
For three years I was frustrated and/or miserable more often than not. Then I spent a year in a Christian (but not ex-gay-specific) residential program, which while quite intense was very helpful to me in enabling me to get a grip on my Christian life. After that I spent a year and a half struggling but stable and passably content. And then I unexpectedly (understatement of the century!) fell in love with the man who is now my husband.
What’s kinda funny about it is that according to many people’s standards, I was not very good at pursuing an ex-gay path. I kept my gay and pro-gay friends. I often found myself rolling my eyes at the teachings and the theories—the reparative therapy stuff mainly. (My father did *what* to me?) Ani DiFranco continued to dominate my cd player and later my iPod. I laughed raucously throughout But I’m a Cheerleader. I savored the writings of Adrienne Rich, Marilyn Hacker, and Jeanette Winterson.So when I changed after five-and-a-half years of doing a rather shoddy job of the whole ex-gay thing, I think everyone was surprised. No one more than I was. I still don’t know what to make of it. Maybe it’s a “the last shall be first” sort of thing.
Marriage, at least for the few months I’ve experienced it so far, has been a lot of fun. I think I’ve enjoyed myself more in these past few months than I have for a long time! I can also see that it has its own challenges, and I suspect there will be some hard times ahead at some point. But it’s nonetheless an enormous blessing that somehow managed to find me when I wasn’t even looking.