If anyone is still reading this, I’m back!
Sorry about the prolonged silence. After what was theoretically two-and-a-half weeks of “vacation” (including the time with the inlaws), and all the craziness of coming back and trying to get caught up with ordinary life, a nagging pain in my left wrist and hand, which I had been ignoring for months, decided to become absolutely excruciating.
The main culprit is probably my computer, where I not only do a lot of “fun” things like this blog, but do most of my work as well. So my husband got me an ergonomic keyboard and gave me a lot of stern lectures on proper arm/hand positioning, and ordered me to stay away from unnecessary computer activities until the pain subsided significantly. Which, thank God, it has. It still hurts to put a lot of pressure on it–like doing push-ups or kneading dough, for example. But it doesn’t hurt all the time and in particular I can type in moderation w/o too much trouble. (One can only hope that this might mean less rambly and more concise postings, but, alas, I doubt it.)
I think I’m mostly caught up on email and comments. I haven’t yet replied to Rasheed Eldin’s comment on my post about the word “exgay,” which includes a link to this excellent post: “We’re Not Ex-gay,” which discusses (among other things) what I think is probably the best reason for avoiding the exgay label–namely, the fact that it significantly buys into the whole gay/sexual-orientation way of thinking about things. Anyway, I’ve put off responding in the comment thread as I want to do another post on the question of the “exgay” label soon, and so it seems like it would be best to hit those two birds with one stone. But check out Rasheed’s whole blog Eye On Gay Muslims in the meantime.
I’m probably going to do some relatively minor posts in the next few days, just as I get back into the swing of things. I’m not quite ready to take on “Why did I forsake gay identity?” yet. I’ve been putting off thinking about how to articulate the answer to that question for years because I’ve always suspected that it would be really tough to do, and it sure is. I’m basically trying to translate intuitions and hunches and gut feelings into coherent reasons and principles. Which is probably as futile an endeavor as it sounds, but I’m gonna try anyway!
Also, thinking about it has made me a wee bit angsty, which has slowed down the thinking/writing process a bit. It’s not that I doubt that it was the right decision. It’s just that some decisions are so mind-bogglingly costly that you’ll probably never feel really great about them. Reminding yourself that the alternative would have been far worse only takes the edge off so much. I am truly happy with my life now, pleased with how the journey has turned out so far…but the road to get here from where I was is paved with really hard choices. I gave up a lot, I felt a great deal of loss. I wish more exgays would talk about this…I felt so alone in my grief over what I had lost, what I had left to follow Christ. Sometimes I almost felt back then as though I wasn’t allowed to miss anything or anyone from my old life, that I was supposed to devalue it all so completely that it didn’t really matter to me, that everything was all sunshine and roses now that Jesus had showed up. Which isn’t really how it worked out for me…
Okay, enough for now. Real posts coming soon, hopefully!