About Me

I’m a 29 year old Christian female who is tentatively identifying as exgay until a better label comes along, or until I get around to inventing a superior vocabulary and set of concepts for exgays to use when talking and thinking about themselves. (It’s down there a-ways on my to-do list, so don’t hold your breath.)

My religious history breaks up neatly into decades. My first decade was spent being raised as an “enlightened” nominal/liberal Christian. I quickly came to find that sort of faith unsatisfying and intellectually dishonest, however, so my second decade was spent mostly as an anti-religious atheist, punctuated by occasional flirtations with Theravada Buddhism. My third decade so far has been spent as as a Reformed evangelical Christian. Judging by the trend, I’m due for a new religion in about two years or so. But I’m hoping that this evangelical thing will stick, given that it’s the Truth and the way of salvation and all that.

A tomboy who always felt different (when I played house with my girl friends, I was always Daddy; when we played Barbies, I was always Ken), I started noticing my homosexual attractions and seeing myself as gay around age 11. I identified as gay for nine years before reluctantly taking up an exgay path when I became a Christian. Six turbulent years after that, much to my surprise, I started experiencing sexual attraction toward a certain man, and we’ve been happily married for a little over two years now.

As the title implies, this blog is an outlet for me to work out my thoughts on issues involving the exgay movement and the culture wars more generally. Some of it is reflection on my own personal experience, some of it is responses to stuff I read online or elsewhere.

While I may be critical of the exgay movement or particular actions of those within it at times, I consider myself pro-exgay in the deepest, truest, and purest sense: I support ministries which encourage people to grow closer to Jesus Christ, bringing more and more of their lives under obedience to God, conforming themselves more and more to the image of Christ, and finding the easy yoke and light burden of liberating discipleship. I support ministries which strengthen people in helping them to walk away from homosexual sex and relationships, in helping them abandon and move beyond gay identity. I support ministries that proclaim that while we don’t fully understand it and can’t put it in a box or give a neat simple formula, that many kinds of powerful change are available to all who yield themselves to God, and that for many, this has included a change in attractions, and the previously unfathomable possibility of having a happy and fulfilling marriage to a person of the opposite sex.

Any criticisms I may make and concerns I may have regarding the exgay movement should be viewed in that light. If I say a critical thing, it is because I care about the exgay movement and want to see it flourish, not because I hate it.

I am a culture war dove, absolutely heartbroken by what I see both sides of this “war” doing to each other. I long to see humility, patient and charitable listening, and mutual understanding, rather than what seems to me to be a continuing escalation of arrogance, fear, mistrust, and misunderstanding.

Toward that end, I welcome dialogue and conversation with all sorts of people, especially those who disagree with me.

Random Trivia:

  • Favorite movie: Das Boot
  • Favorite music: Ani DiFranco, Madison Greene, Bach
  • Favorite TV show: South Park
  • Favorite video game: Halo
  • Favorite novel: Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit, Jeanette Winterson
  • Favorite Poets: Li-Young Lee, Adrienne Rich, Czeslaw Milosz
  • Favorite Bible book: Isaiah
  • Favorite Psalm: 63
  • Life Verse: “Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy. Though I fall, I will rise. Though I dwell in darkness, the LORD is a light for me.” (Micah 7:8)


Email me at disputedmutability (at) gmail (dot) com .


22 Responses to About Me

  1. Nicole says:


    My name is Nicole and I am a producer for a brand new nationally syndicated TV show called the Dr. Keith Ablow show. I am currently casting for the premiere season.

    In view of the recent Jim McGreevey interview and book launch, our host is very interested in talking about the topic of parents dealing with homosexual teens.

    We are interested in talking with concerned parents of homosexual teens who want to know the best way to raise their children. We would love to hear from parents who feel that their children should enter therapy to diminish homosexual attractions and strengthen their heterosexual potential.

    I would love to talk with about any success stories that you have been apart of as well as families who are in need of help.

    We are also extremely open to new ideas as we are booking for our premiere season.

    Please call me or send me you contact info and I will call you. I would love to talk with you more about the show.



    Nicole Ford
    Associate Producer
    Dr. Keith Ablow Show
    1325 Avenue of the Americas
    New York, NY 10019
    (212) 506-4365
    1-888-DR-ABLOW / 1-888-372-2569 x4365
    Fax (212) 506-4370

  2. yugus says:

    hello,…my name yugus, I am so happy that find your website. I have blessed your testimony. I agree; the radical change just to be if someone met the his/her creator( GOD ). I see that you have met HIM.
    I am ex-gay, live in jakarta-Indonesia. and 3 years ago, with friends building ex-gay ministries. praise The Lord, He send person-one by one- that have struggle gay orient. with Jesus together, we can do it. We can growth Faith in Jesus; deep and deepest.
    In Indonesia, ex-gay ministries build by spora, ununiversity yet, because we haven’t network comunication yet. this is my news for you.
    thanks for your attention

  3. mary says:

    Love your style! I’m ex gay also- again for lack of a better term.

  4. marc says:

    I am looking for someone who can give me a refferance on; praising God for the bad things as well as the good.I ran across a book years ago that was written by a Catholic Chaplin where he said that when he praised God for the bad things,acctually thanking him for certian things that were bad, he would turn them around and make them good/positive.I’ve been trying to find the book again without success,but it is really heavey.The big problem I have is when I tell someone to pray and thank God for the bad time they are having they think I’m nutts.They answer,”why would I want to thank God for that”?So I need some solid proff to lay on these sceptical people.My experience with this was with one of my daugthers.She was a Jehova Wittness and had a very bad disposition on life,she was also an abused child by her mother.So I thanked God for her bad out look on life and her choice of religion,which again came from her mother.and I continued to pray that way.And I knew in my heart I was doing the right thing mainly because of that book I read by that Chaplin.I knew in time God would prevail.And he did.Now my daugther is a devoted Christian she sings in the church chior and is a very positive person.If you can help me with this I would sure appreciate it.I’m sure it’s in the bible,but I would really like to find some deep readings on this.

  5. Chris says:

    I found your blog very interesting. It must’ve been challenging to try and articulate your thoughts on so many different areas of your life. Trying to put things in a condensed context sometimes seems daunting.
    I’m also ex-gay, for lack of any better term and gave my life to Christ when I was 34. I’m now 37 and ever growing in my relationship with Jesus. It hasn’t been easy by any means but I believe it will be the most rewarding road I could ever travel.
    I was immersed in my gayness for 16 years. While my experience has been different in some respects to yours, it still reflects what we all come to know in Christ…..that we’re all flawed and in need of redemption.
    You’ve poured your heart out here and I really appreciate your transparency and honesty. Thank you and God Bless!

  6. I have noticed your blog linked by several others I read and so have stopped by. Thanks so much for sharing your life and your walk with Christ.
    Das Boot = fave movie huh? What an excellent choice.

  7. forlorn mom says:

    You seem like a wonderful person. I love how it is that your unique identity shows thru (clearly you didn’t turn into a demure pink-wearing girly girl when you confronted yourself and stepped into the right relationship with God the creator of the unique) and that God can use you in this way. I pray many will find themselves in your words, and see that there is truth beyond our own self-definition. If you have a mail list, put me on.

  8. Chris:

    Thanks for stopping by, saying hi, and sharing a little bit about yourself. It’s a joy to hear what God is doing in your life! My prayers go with you on your journey.


    Hi, I feel like I’ve seen you around on people’s comment threads, but I can’t remember where. Thanks for stopping by in any case. Yep, I think Das Boot is still probably my fave movie (although parts of that list do need an update), but I think Zhang Yimou’s To Live is either a tie or a close second now.

    Forlorn mom:

    Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. Yeah, I would really love for people to realize that we can love and serve and glorify God without having to fit man-made standards and stereotypes that just may not be right for us, particularly when it comes to the details of gender expression.

    And I am so sorry you are forlorn. 😦

  9. lyric says:

    wow! i just read a few of your archives and this is a powerful blog. i see the hand in this.
    i know that this is off subject somewhat but i would like to hear thoughts on the churches out there that cater to gays [still in the lifestyle] without teaching accountability. you know the “gay is okay” church. i hope to get back to you soon to see what you think.
    funny, somewhere in the recent past i know you. either someone mentioned your blog or oh i don’t know but when i saw disputed mutability it rang familiar to me. i am a life long straight. i am just going to accept this as the hand in my life and look forward to the tour. GOD bless you and keep typing there are those that need to see it.

  10. Susan says:

    Even though I disagree with most of what you write, I genuinely respect your position. It’s obvious that you have dedicated the noblest parts of yourself to trying to understand what it is that you are going through in life and what it means in the larger context of your religious beliefs. What comes across in your blog runs counter to stereotypes about Chrisitans as intolerant, anti-intellectual, etc. and that’s pretty cool.
    I believe that Christ was a genius who believed he was a god and found out that he was only a man, a man betrayed by god, by his god. It’s a beautiful and profound epic story, one that I connect with in my deepest heart.
    I also believe that Christians loved Christ and Christ’s message so dearly that they refused to allow him to die and so he lives.
    I am an Agnostic who believes that a radical man named Christ lived and he helped changed the world. In my humble opinion, Christ was appropriated by the rulers of an empire and his radical philosophy of love was driven underground. What he believed became distorted as a militaristic class of rulers wanting to present themselves as demi-gods, embraced and legalized Christianity. Can you imagine that this might be true? And how differently you might feel about things if it were?

  11. […] start of a series of posts I’ve been looking to for a long time. She identifies as ex-gay (“until a better label comes along”) and is supportive of the ex-gay movement, (”in the deepest, truest, and purest […]

  12. BentonQuest says:

    Hi, I found your site through BTB and I am glad that I did!

    AND YOU ARE A MADISON GREENE FAN!! We need more of us in the world, you know!

  13. Janey says:

    I’ve been talking to a friend about this blog and it’s the fist time I’ve been able to sit down and read through a bit. I really believe here is some excellent work, grace filled, and most importantly UNDERSTANDING! I’m looking forward to reading through this blog as I will most likely make a regular appearance. 🙂


  14. Andy Lang says:

    Just came by after seeing you linked on Eve’s blog, and I am grateful to have done so. I hope to see more posts from you in the future, especially as you transition to motherhood. Grace and peace, Andy.

  15. Janey and Andy, thanks for stopping by and for the encouragement. I haven’t posted much lately but hope to get back into the swing of things.

  16. Muted Disputability says:

    Wow. I cried at the beauty in your words and in your story. I also realized that none of us will get this right, ever, until Christ returns and makes it right. Jo Shetler says, “Earth isn’t heaven, and we can’t make it that way.” BUT, most importantly, it’s about relationships, not ideology. I’m looking forward to catching up on your writing.

  17. Jasmine says:

    I saw a link to your blog on Courageman’s blog. I’m a 20 year old female rediscovering the Catholic Church and dealing with same-sex attraction. For now my plan is to practice chastity and abstinence, but I would love to be heterosexually married with children someday. Congrats on your pregnancy! 🙂

  18. dnftl says:

    i like your site. I am one of those who preach on streets about “homosexuality is sin” on streets of manila pride last year.

  19. Tyler Lansing says:

    I do not honestly believe in the “ex-gay movement”. Either your gay or your not. If you find yourself attracted to both, then you probably liked both all along.

    Anyone who trys to like somebody that they aren’t attracted to is just kidding themselves. It’s people like you that give gay people a bad name.

    • Ben says:

      Agreed. This is a really sad blog. I’m happy for you if you’re happily married, but you’ve been spending your life trying to get rid of something that is inherently part of you, and no matter how much you think it’s gone, it isn’t. Being gay is NOT a choice and it is NOT a “sin”. People are either gay or they aren’t. I feel sorry for you that intolerant Christians have caused you to believe being gay is bad which has caused you to endure this long and pointless struggle – there are certainly Christians out there who are willing to accept the fact that homosexuality is not a choice, nor is “sinful” in any way.

      You genuinely seem to believe that being gay is a sin, and I respect you for trying to do what you think is right, but this blog honestly just contributes to the masses of anti-gay poison already out there and makes people think that “ex-gay” is a legitimate (and possible) thing, which it is not, and that people should try to “overcome” homosexuality, which they should not.

      I hope one day you can realize that it is people, and not your “God”, who believe homosexuality is a sin, and that the only reason they believe this is out of fear of people who are different.

  20. visitor says:

    @ tyler lansing : i agree with you totally on what you wrote. but let’s see if the author evolved. I would keep an eye on your update. ;>

  21. petra says:

    i came across your blog by sheer coincidence, and at first was very confused and somewhat disturbed, as i had never come across the “exgay” movement.
    before i continue, i feel as though i must state that i am not trying to undermine your belief system or values; it appears as though you have achieved a certain degree of contentment in your life that very few people attain, and i have no wish to disturb that (unless of course your way of life impedes on the happiness of others, something which i believe is wrong)

    to be completely honest, your blog disturbed me, as i identify as a homosexual female. i am proud of my sexuality, it is part of who i am, and i see homosexuality and promiscuity as a natural occurrence, a belief that was strengthened by a number of reports detailing homosexual behaviour in animals, indeed within entire species, and reports analysing the sexual behaviour of animals concluding that animals also seek sex for pleasure as well as procreation.

    it is for this reason i cannot comprehend why someone would wish to actively change their sexual orientation, and it is something that, while i may never agree with, i wish to understand. so to you, i put a few questions.

    it is jesus’ teachings that are the core of the christian belief system. if jesus said, “love thy neighbour” and “treat as you would be treated”, why then the persecution of homosexuals? why the radical anti-gay movement, and the sheer hate and disgust coming from a religion that was founded on such a beautiful message of understanding and love? its this denial of human rights and ostracisation of a particular social group that makes me apprehensive towards not only christians, but other religious groups that lack the ability to accept that people are different.

    next: correct me if im wrong, but i was under the impression that christianity holds gods design in the highest esteem, and that gods design refers to the beauty – aesthetic and structural – found within nature. this is my impression, as i have often heard phrases akin to “behold the glory of god!” when referring to a particularly emotive aspect of nature. with this in mind, i am naturally confused when christians claim that homosexuality is sinful, against nature and thus against god’s design, when there has been much evidence for a number of years asserting that there are many animals that exhibit such unnatural behaviours as homosexuality and sexual promiscuity. in light of this evidence, how does it affect the christian view of homosexuality as unnatural, when it presents itself in nature? is gods design flawed, or was there a mistranslation or possibly even bias when translating, indeed writing the scriptures? after all, those who wrote and translated the scriptures were only human no matter how enlightened they may be, and no human is infallible.

    any help towards answering these questions would be much appreciated, as it would aid in the development of my understanding and acceptance of a belief system that i am often confused and irritated by. this understanding would in turn prove beneficial to me, and to others (im studying to be a nurse)

    be blessed and stay true to what you think is right.
    (also, ani difranco is a legend. and a babe. ^^ )

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