I’m a 29 year old Christian female who is tentatively identifying as exgay until a better label comes along, or until I get around to inventing a superior vocabulary and set of concepts for exgays to use when talking and thinking about themselves. (It’s down there a-ways on my to-do list, so don’t hold your breath.)
My religious history breaks up neatly into decades. My first decade was spent being raised as an “enlightened” nominal/liberal Christian. I quickly came to find that sort of faith unsatisfying and intellectually dishonest, however, so my second decade was spent mostly as an anti-religious atheist, punctuated by occasional flirtations with Theravada Buddhism. My third decade so far has been spent as as a Reformed evangelical Christian. Judging by the trend, I’m due for a new religion in about two years or so. But I’m hoping that this evangelical thing will stick, given that it’s the Truth and the way of salvation and all that.
A tomboy who always felt different (when I played house with my girl friends, I was always Daddy; when we played Barbies, I was always Ken), I started noticing my homosexual attractions and seeing myself as gay around age 11. I identified as gay for nine years before reluctantly taking up an exgay path when I became a Christian. Six turbulent years after that, much to my surprise, I started experiencing sexual attraction toward a certain man, and we’ve been happily married for a little over two years now.
As the title implies, this blog is an outlet for me to work out my thoughts on issues involving the exgay movement and the culture wars more generally. Some of it is reflection on my own personal experience, some of it is responses to stuff I read online or elsewhere.
While I may be critical of the exgay movement or particular actions of those within it at times, I consider myself pro-exgay in the deepest, truest, and purest sense: I support ministries which encourage people to grow closer to Jesus Christ, bringing more and more of their lives under obedience to God, conforming themselves more and more to the image of Christ, and finding the easy yoke and light burden of liberating discipleship. I support ministries which strengthen people in helping them to walk away from homosexual sex and relationships, in helping them abandon and move beyond gay identity. I support ministries that proclaim that while we don’t fully understand it and can’t put it in a box or give a neat simple formula, that many kinds of powerful change are available to all who yield themselves to God, and that for many, this has included a change in attractions, and the previously unfathomable possibility of having a happy and fulfilling marriage to a person of the opposite sex.
Any criticisms I may make and concerns I may have regarding the exgay movement should be viewed in that light. If I say a critical thing, it is because I care about the exgay movement and want to see it flourish, not because I hate it.
I am a culture war dove, absolutely heartbroken by what I see both sides of this “war” doing to each other. I long to see humility, patient and charitable listening, and mutual understanding, rather than what seems to me to be a continuing escalation of arrogance, fear, mistrust, and misunderstanding.
Toward that end, I welcome dialogue and conversation with all sorts of people, especially those who disagree with me.
- Favorite movie: Das Boot
- Favorite music: Ani DiFranco, Madison Greene, Bach
- Favorite TV show: South Park
- Favorite video game: Halo
- Favorite novel: Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit, Jeanette Winterson
- Favorite Poets: Li-Young Lee, Adrienne Rich, Czeslaw Milosz
- Favorite Bible book: Isaiah
- Favorite Psalm: 63
- Life Verse: “Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy. Though I fall, I will rise. Though I dwell in darkness, the LORD is a light for me.” (Micah 7:8)
Email me at disputedmutability (at) gmail (dot) com .